Compassion Over Judgment: How to Support a Loved One Who Self-Harms

Self-harm is a deeply personal and complex struggle that affects people from all walks of life. Whether it’s a friend, sibling, child, or partner, learning that someone you love is engaging in self-injury can be overwhelming, confusing, and even frightening. Your first instinct might be to “fix” the situation, but the most important thing you can offer is compassion, not judgment.

Supporting someone who self-harms requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to listen without trying to control their healing process. This guide will help you understand the best ways to offer support, what to say (and what not to say), and when to seek professional help.

Understanding Self-Harm: Why Do People Do It?

Self-harm, or non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), is the act of intentionally causing physical pain to oneself as a way to cope with emotional distress. Common methods include cutting, burning, scratching, hitting, or hair pulling. While self-harm is not necessarily a suicide attempt, it is often a sign of deep emotional suffering that should not be ignored.

People engage in self-harm for different reasons, including:

• Emotional Regulation: To relieve overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, or anxiety.

• A Sense of Control: When life feels chaotic, self-harm may provide a false sense of control.

• Feeling Something Instead of Numbness: Some individuals hurt themselves to counteract emotional numbness.

• Self-Punishment: Those struggling with guilt or self-hatred may self-harm as a way to punish themselves.

• Communication: In some cases, self-harm is an expression of emotions that feel impossible to put into words.

While the reasons vary, one thing remains the same—self-harm is a coping mechanism, not a cry for attention. Dismissing it as attention-seeking can discourage someone from reaching out for help.

What to Do When You Discover a Loved One Is Self-Harming

1. Stay Calm and Regulate Your Own Emotions - It’s natural to feel scared, angry, or even helpless when you find out a loved one is hurting themselves. However, your initial reaction sets the tone for whether they will trust you moving forward. Instead of reacting with shock or panic, take a deep breath and remind yourself that they need support, not shame.

2. Approach the Conversation with Empathy - Bringing up self-harm can feel uncomfortable, but ignoring it won’t make it go away. If you suspect or know that someone is self-harming, approach them with care:

• What to Say:

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling, and I want you to know I’m here for you.”

• “You don’t have to go through this alone—I care about you, and I want to support you.”

• “If you ever want to talk, I’m always here to listen.”

• “I may not fully understand what you’re going through, but I want to help in any way I can.”

• What to Avoid:

• “Why would you do this to yourself?” (This can make them feel ashamed.)

• “You need to stop doing this right now.” (Recovery is a process, not an instant fix.)

• “You’re just doing this for attention.” (This is dismissive and untrue.)

• “I can’t believe you would do this.” (This response can make them feel guilty for opening up.)

Your goal is to create a safe space where they feel comfortable talking about their feelings. Even if they don’t open up right away, knowing you are available to listen can make a difference.

3. Listen Without Judgment - Often, people who self-harm don’t need immediate solutions; they just need someone to listen. When they do open up, focus on active listening:

• Maintain eye contact and nod to show you’re engaged.

• Avoid interrupting or offering solutions too quickly.

• Reflect their feelings back to them: “That sounds really painful. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.”

• Validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel overwhelmed. That must be really hard.”

Avoid minimizing their experience or comparing it to others. Instead of saying, “Other people have it worse,” try, “Your feelings are valid, and I’m here for you.”

How to Offer Meaningful Support

1. Help Them Find Healthier Coping Mechanisms - Self-harm often serves as a way to cope with distressing emotions, so replacing it with healthier alternatives can be helpful. Encourage them to explore:

• Journaling: Writing down thoughts and feelings can provide an outlet for emotions.

• Creative Expression: Art, music, or poetry can be powerful tools for self-expression.

• Physical Activity: Exercise releases endorphins and can serve as a healthy emotional release.

• Mindfulness & Deep Breathing: Practicing meditation can help regulate overwhelming emotions.

• Support Groups: Connecting with others who understand their struggles can be reassuring.

However, avoid pressuring them to change overnight. Recovery is a process, and everyone heals at their own pace.

2. Encourage Professional Help Without Forcing It - While your support is invaluable, professional therapy is often necessary for long-term healing. If they are hesitant to seek help, try:

• “You don’t have to go through this alone. A therapist can help you find ways to cope.”

• “I can help you look for a counselor if that feels overwhelming.”

• “I’d be happy to go with you to your first appointment if that would make you more comfortable.”

If they refuse therapy, don’t push. Instead, continue to offer support and keep the door open for future conversations.

3. Know When to Seek Immediate Help - If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts or severe distress, do not ignore it. Some warning signs that require immediate intervention include:

• Statements like: “I don’t want to be here anymore” or “I wish I could disappear.”

• Sudden withdrawal from loved ones and activities.

• Giving away possessions or writing goodbye letters.

• Escalation of self-harm injuries.

If you believe they are at risk, encourage them to seek immediate help:

Crisis Resources:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Dial 988

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI

The Power of Compassion

Supporting someone who self-harms can be challenging, but your kindness and patience can make a life-changing difference. By choosing compassion over judgment, you help create a world where those who struggle feel safe, understood, and supported in their healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There is hope, help, and healing ahead.